One hundred and one tales

The Modern Couple

2010-05-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

"I've missed our movie nights."

The Wonderful In-Between World of Chinglish

2010-05-09T17:34:00.000-07:00

The New York Times has a brilliant article and slide show about the many wonderful phrases that at times emerge when Chinese is translated to English. Here are a few illustrations to accompany some of the very poetic results.

The Little Grass is Sleeping. Do Not Disturb It.

Slip and Fall Down Carefully

See the original sign here.

Fragrant and Hot Marxism
(outside a restaurant)

Execution In Progress
(on a Caution - Wet Floor sign)

Inventions that should be

2010-05-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

"Check out this new heartbeat app!"

Graceful Jellies

2010-04-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

I'll get back to stories soon... but here are a few drawings from the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Even if you don't live in CA, they have a ton of webcams that help you 'pop over' whenever you need a fix of penguin, sea otter, the kelp forrest or more!

Crime or Punishment?

2010-04-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

I did the cartoon above for Columbia's BWOG this Sunday on 'Crime & Punishment' the book that all students read must read as part of the 'core' or general required class.

And then I did the following sketch based on the idea if there were a Crime or Punishment

board game. Retro-style to what Electronic Arts is doing and just the kind of thing for masochists & neophyte burglars.

The very talented Professor Gulati

2010-04-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

Here's a drawing I did for Columbia's Blue & White Magazine. The article was about Sunil Gulati, who is a (very popular) lecturer in Economics at Columbia University and is President of the US Soccer Federation. The picture will be printed in the 'Mapril' Blue & White.

The Hair Iron

2010-03-19T12:53:00.001-07:00

This is my hair. It's from Texas even though I'm from Ohio.

So I bought this. One cord, two ceramic heaters, and all anti-frizz.

This was what my hair should have looked like post-intervention.

This is how it turned out.

It's not all bad, I guess.

Next week I'm auditioning as an extra in The Lion King.

They said I was a natural.

New drawings

2010-03-15T12:33:00.001-07:00

Last summer I was walking to work and picked up a leaf. This humble little leaf has been a wonderful source of inspiration. It is now a sad, faded little thing that I carefully keep in a cookie tin. Here's a sketch of one angle when it a freshly fallen.

I've hunted all through Central Park & have my own personal leaf-hunter in Ohio. Sadly, I've not yet found a leaf with such a beautifully ambiguous form. In the m

ean time I've been drawing trying to capture it at many different angles before it disintegrates into tine leaf-flecks. Below are a series of large scale (around 5' by 3') charcoal drawings on translucent paper. Eventually the work will go onto a light box frame. The drawing on the left is a work in progress; the two on the right are finished pieces.

Why, hello Spring...

2010-03-11T12:16:00.001-08:00

Originally posted on Columbia University student blog.

Named in honor of FAPPAF friend who is quite familiar with the gentle art of greetings.

Mom Cat

2008-11-16T21:16:00.001-08:00

Many thanks to Ronan, an artist from Ireland, for the following story.

A woman I have known for many years - Deborah - told me this story
when we met last week. Deborah is an American from Iowa, has long
bleach blonde hair, sells antique jewelry at markets in London, is in
her early fifties and has lived in the same flat in London for over 30
years. She had a cat that she called Mom for the last 15 years - whom
she loved and cherished dearly. Mom was very cute and gentle with red hair and was very popular.

Mom Cat

2008-11-16T21:13:00.000-08:00

Mom recently passed away after a short illness. Deborah decided to bury Mom in her front garden which is very large. She roped in her pal John Boy to help and he came around one day to do the digging. John Boy is a big strong guy and works as a door man at a local bar. As John Boy dug the grave and Deborah prepared Mom for burial, a girl appeared unexpectedly from behind some bushes at the end of the long garden.

Mom Cat

2008-11-16T21:10:00.000-08:00

Deborah described the girl as being somewhere in her early to md-twenties and as strikingly pretty with red hair that she wore in a pony tail. She also mentioned that the zipper to the girl's dress was undone. She wore high heels and was quite dressed up. Deborah reckoned that the girl was a prostitute and was also homeless and temporarily living behind the bushes at bottom of the garden. Deborah could see some blankets laid out and bags behind the bushes. The girl acted naturally and said "excuse me...what are you doing?" to Deborah and John Boy. Deborah said to her "Don't worry...we are just burying my cat". The girl goes "oh...how long did you have her?". Deborah replied "Fifteen years". The girl then said " She must have had a happy life with you...where did you get her?"

Mom Cat

2008-11-16T21:03:00.000-08:00

Deborah looked at her and thought about it for a few seconds and then replied "Actually she came out of the same bushes you did..........maybe you are my cat re-incarnated." Then the girl said "wow" (like "meow") sounding just like Deborah's cat. Then Deborah noticed that the girl had the same two front teeth missing as her cat. And then without saying anything else the girl swaggered off out the gate and into the distance with her long red hair just like Mom's long red tail..........the end.

The Lion's Whiskers

2008-10-12T22:57:00.000-07:00

The following is a fable from Ethiopia and was submitted by Azeb Worku Sibane, an actress, director and producer based in Addis Abba, Ethiopia.

There was a woman who was unhappy because her husband did not love her like before. At the beginning of their marriage he was always very nice with her-he worried a lot when she was a little bit tired, he brought her gifts, and he liked all the dishes that she prepared.

But unfortunately, after a while, he changed. He returned home late under pretext of having a drink with his friends or going to oversee the crops. When he returned from the market he didn’t bring any thing for her. He stopped eating at home, and when he did, he complained that all that she prepared was bland and badly cooked. The woman didn’t know how to change her husband back to how he was before.

She remembered that one old wise man, a “Debtera,” lived not far from their house, close to the church of Saint Michel. This wise man, knows a lot of things. He can read, write and prepare talismans. She thought that he could perhaps give her a charm that would return her husband’s attention and his affection.

The Lion's Whiskers

2008-10-12T22:56:00.002-07:00

One morning she went to find the old debtera in his house. The old man welcomed her and listened to her story with attention. When she finished, he remained silent and then he said

“I will be glad to prepare for you a medicine which will make your
husband see you with the same eyes as before, but for the medicine you
must bring me three whiskers of a lion. But the whiskers must be
taken from a live lion and by your own hand.”

“How shall I do this, and, how can I find a lion? The women asked

- Farmers of the low lands said to me that there was a lion which often
comes to the heart of the valley, at the edge of the river.

She was worried by the idea of going down to the low lands, as they were known to be a dangerous area. Add to that, she has to pluck the whiskers of a live lion!...

“And what do I have to do to make this lion come close to me?” She asked.

The debtera answered, “I don’t know. The only thing I know is how to make magic medicines, not to tame a lion.”

The Lion's Whiskers

2008-10-12T22:56:00.001-07:00

She went back home and she asked herself what she was going to do. She loved her husband, and she wanted him to love her as before-certainly the medicine of the debtera would be very effective. The next day she goes down to the bottom of the valley to taking meat in her basket. It was hot in the valley. When she heard the roar of the lion, she put the basket of the meat on a flat rock and ran away.

The following day, she returned to the same place and, at the first distant roar, she put down the meat in the same place. This time she did not run away, but she hid behind a tree not far from the place. She heard the lion arrive slowly; he was enormous. He shook his mane and opened a terrible mouth. He came to the meat;
he looked at everything around him with suspicion, then he started to eat. When he finished, he left in the direction from where he had come, calmly and the woman returned to her home.

The Lion's Whiskers

2008-10-12T22:54:00.001-07:00

The third day, she went back to the low lands. She put the meat in the same place, she moved backward to the tree, but she did not hide. She remained motionless, watching for the arrival of the lion. The lion arrived. He looked at the woman, roared out and ate all the meat with a huge appetite, all while looking at her. When he finished, he started to leave, but at the end of some steps, he turned around, looked at her, then he resumed his walking and disappeared into bushes.

The Lion's Whiskers

2008-10-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

The next day, having put down the meat, she only went away some steps. She was anxious and impatient to see the lion. He arrived, almost noiseless. He stopped in front of the meat, but did not touch it. He looked for a long time with his yellow eyes. Some times he stared at the women, sometimes at the meet, and then he began eating.

When he had finished, she made one step, then the other one. The lion lay, immovable. When she was close, he got up and the woman’s heart barely beat at all. The lion opened his mouth, but instead of roaring, he yawns, then he left as every day by turning around several times.

The following day, when she arrived at the same time, the lion was already there, asleep near the flat stone. She moved quite slowly and arrived in front of him she took a piece of meat out of her basket, which she stretched out, to him. The lion took it delicately. She sat down next to him to stroke his head. He began to hum like a big cat. She continued to give him the meat, which was in the basket, piece by piece until he became full. She began caressing him. The lion winked his eyes, and fell asleep.

The woman held out the hand towards the muzzle of the lion, and, delicately, plucked three whiskers. He grumbled weakly, moved a little, but continued to sleep. The women tightened her hand around the treasure, went away slowly and walked out of the bottom of the valley. Without returning even at her house, she went to find the old man debtera.

The Lion's Whiskers

2008-10-12T22:44:00.001-07:00

“I brought you what you had asked me.” She said to him, “here are three whiskers of a lion.”
The old man looked at her with an amazed gaze.
“Tell me how you did it,” he asked her.
When she told him how she had reached her goal, he looked at her quietly.

“Well,” she said to him, “now you can prepare this medicine that will restore my husband’s affection to me?”
“What medicine do you mean? You, who managed to calm and to tame this wild animal, can’t you manage to do the same for your husband? Behave as you did with the lion, with the courage, the sweetness and the patience! There is no other magic.”

And indeed, she knew how to find for her husband the words, the gestures and the charms that were necessary. Softly and patiently, also with good dishes, she gets his heart back and they lived with joy.

Rite Aid

2008-10-03T15:22:00.001-07:00

Rite Aid has a brilliant layout. In fact the store's business plan must be marvelously brief and use only one word: sex. Next time you wander the aisles, take a moment and appreciate the subtle journey Rite Aid takes you on.

2008-10-03T15:21:00.002-07:00

Upon entering the store, I instinctively go left, (maybe because I’m a ‘Maverick’). At my Rite Aid, this is the cosmetic aisle. These products are a lesson in seduction all their own. Cover-ups advertise a 'flawless complexion' by reducing a multitude of nasties. Zits, moles, hairy moles, wrinkles, skin spots and cancerous lesions instantly and effortlessly disappear. Continuing down the aisle, lipsticks in shades of red and pink so beautiful they move me to tears call out to me like a trashy novel-‘Rip me open and apply liberally’ they seem to shout. How could I not be tempted? These beauties obviously have transformative qualities. Vibrant reds, berry pinks and deep mahoganies guarantee deep, sensual, smeared, kisses. Applied liberally these items are enough to disguise, enhance and flatter the wearer on any night out...or in.

2008-10-03T15:21:00.001-07:00

The next aisle over also prepares eager shoppers for sex, though in a more fundamental way. Shoppers can choose from row upon row of deodorants, toothpastes, perfumes, shavers, gels in all forms of spray, pump, or squeeze, depending on your fancy. They say, we'll whiten your teeth, sooth your bristles, tame your BO and reduce your zits, transforming you into a lovable morsel.

2008-10-03T15:20:00.000-07:00

Both aisles ingeniously prepare the shopper for the end of the aisle. Never say Rite Aid does not seek to prepare its shoppers to be responsible adults. Featuring a wide variety of packaging, liquids, textures and sizes adult protection section features an intoxicating selection. Just in case you forget to purchase or use these wares, home pregnancy kits are helpfully located on a neighboring shelf. And just in case two lines appear after peeing, this aisle flows into the diaper, baby wipe and smooshed apple section. One would imagine that, in life, lipstick and training diaper are a world apart. Rite Aid knows better.

2008-10-03T15:06:00.000-07:00

Of course Rite Aid supports those who are of a more cautious mindset as well. For example, my local Rite Aid furnishes its shoppers with ten different at home drug tests. Worried about Marijuana use? No problem. Concerned your potential lover might be into something a little heavier? Rite Aid has you covered. Amid its offerings are a selection of kits testing for Cocaine, Ecstasy, Methamphetamine, Opiates, Phencyclidine, Crack, and Heroin.
So please next time you enter your local Rite Aid and start swearing at the long lines, unbecoming fluorescent lighting and stale Muzak, stop and appreciate Rite Aid's greater service. Helping you get laid.

Passings

2008-09-28T18:22:00.002-07:00

A Caucasian female was found dead in Washington Heights 5th floor apartment. Apparent cause, head explosion. Commonly known to locals as 'Cracker,' close friends just knew her as a sweet, if troubled, young woman. All proclaimed shock, dismay and great sadness at this unexpected turn of events. Friends and family hesitantly point towards the hours spent scanning jobs in the arts, emailing applications and the disappointment at receiving numerous rejection letters. Chronically unemployed, the deceased was known to send hundreds applications to as away as Beijing and New Delhi in the hopes of securing an interview. One friend had commented that the explosion came at a surprising time. "Last time we talked she had really turned a corner and accepted that perhaps a job in the arts wasn't for her. She really liked the busy atmosphere at the local Rite Aid and had decided to apply there as a cashier with the hope of making assistant manager. She was also excited about the discount on the cosmetics."

2008-09-28T18:22:00.001-07:00

Despite this new lease on life, she just couldn't tear herself away from what had become a dangerous habit. Authorities report that the last image the deceased saw was a posting in craigslist. This unpaid internship from a Well-known Design Firm sought a highly skilled candidate well-versed in Photoshop, Illustrator, Indesign, Maya, Adobe Premiere Pro, Final Cut Pro, Certified in CPR, deep-sea diving, excellent barrista skills, with preference give to native speakers of Amharic.

2008-09-28T18:17:00.001-07:00

In a heartening turn of events, Rite Aid authorities have decided to issue her an honorary 'employee of the month' certificate. Ms. Smith, the publicist for the company stated,
"Although we never had the pleasure of meeting this young woman, we are deeply saddened by her passing and touched by her interest in joining our organization as a salesperson. We are certain that she would have made a deep impact on our team. Washington Height's local branch will hang her picture in the store during the month of October as a tribute to her deep interest in the mission and purpose of our organization."

Forensic scientists commented on the irregularity of the situation. "I've seen a lot in my time, I must admit, the rate at which the interiors of the brain had to press to crack through an inch or normally extremely durable cranium is highly irregular. I'd say that that brain had a mind of its own."

2008-09-28T18:15:00.000-07:00

Officials are continuing to investigate this matter and are still not sure whether the cranial particles will ever successfully be removed from her Apple computer. Her parents intend to keep it as a tribute to their daughter. A service will be held in her honor at St. Jude Thaddeus's in her hometown in Tennessee. Individuals are invited to send checks to recovering artists anonymous in lieu of sending flowers.

Grand Opening

2008-09-27T15:20:00.001-07:00

New York's Original Recyclers

2008-09-23T22:49:00.000-07:00

Traders going back into the field

2008-09-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

120K per year? Is this some kind of non-profit?

Time will tell

2008-09-23T22:10:00.001-07:00

I was sitting in the ER’s waiting room. I had driven my brother to the hospital after an opposing team member mistook his leg for the ball and broke my brother’s tibia.

Bored with the tattered and dated People magazines, I started to discretely people watch. Right away my attention was drawn to a family in an adjacent grouping of chairs. The matriarch was surrounded by what seemed to be her grown children. Though they were mostly silent, I could tell from the older woman’s clump of tissues that this was a serious vigil. Every now and then the daughter would rub her mother’s back or ask if she wanted tea, coffee, juice. The beverages held little appeal.

Time will tell

2008-09-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

Three hours later, I was still waiting. The cast was being set, and I had moved on to blatant staring.

A very young looking doctor came out to speak with the family. Like the family members, I held my breath.
“Your husband will be fine.”
and exhaled.
“He was suffering from the initial stages of neurosyphilis which caused his mental confusion and incontinence. He’s a very lucky man that you brought him in. This could have been very, very serious.”
Neurosiphi-what? That sounded an awful lot like..
The daughter piped up, “doctor, what is neurosyphilis? It sounds an awful lot like…”
“Neurosyphilis is a very serious condition and happens when a person infected with syphilis lets it go untreated. Given the development of the infection, I’d say he was initially infected a good long while ago.”

“So, could he have gotten it from a blood transfusion. I mean I know the normal way syphilis spreads, but there have to be other ways..” the daughter trailed off.

Time will tell

2008-09-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

“That goddamn dirty whore.”
Surprised eyes landed on the mother. Mine followed. As absorbed as a college student during daytime soaps, I could not tear myself away to even blink.

My brother emerged on crutches and a cast, blowing my cover. I tried to interest him in People magazine so he could catch his breath and I could catch the rest of the story. He wasn’t interested.

Time will tell

2008-09-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

As I slowly, slowly made my way to the door, I heard the story unravel. Her husband, Ralph, had had an ‘indiscretion’ with a prostitute twenty years earlier but she had let it pass, for the sake of the children.

Evidently time will heal an aching heart, but not syphilis.

Sexy Shoes

2008-09-18T07:54:00.002-07:00

2008-09-18T07:54:00.001-07:00

Find Bigfoot!

2008-09-16T09:31:00.001-07:00

Bigfoot lives. This is true for many who believe it’s a matter of time before evidence supports this. Field and Stream paired with Bushnell Binocular Company to reward the person can furnish reliable proof (ie pictures/video) of the beast. One big game hunter is his services on eBay, lowest bid 150k. TPeterson6969 may have gained a few tips from John Clarke’s account from 1882 of his encounter with a tall, hairy beast he concluded was Bigfoot. Here is a transcription of events as told by Clarke:

2008-09-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

"One afternoon, me and my buddies were out huntin' and Jack, well he gets off a good shot and wounds a 200 pound buck. Now if you know anything about deer-huntin, you know that if you just wound a deer, they can go on runnin for miles, so you gotta chase it. So there we were, trackin' this deer, and it finally ran out of steam about a mile later.

2008-09-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

Or that’s what we thought. This hairy varmint was hunched over the deer’s carcass, and its head was just about perpendicular to it’s body. Now Jack had gotten off a good shot, but that deer was still runnin’ strong. I reckon that varmint musta twisted its neck for it to fall dead like that. So we pulled up, hootin’ and hollarin’, and I tell you, we just fell plumb silent when we saw what was what. It got real cold around us and I started smellin something rotten. Goose bumps started to break out on the back of my neck. I never experienced anything like it, and I hope I don't again. That creature was ripping into that deer, but stopped cold when it saw us. Suddenly it started making these incredible sounds, these belly-deep yells that just reverberated all around us until we couldn't take it no more. Now if you ask me, that som of a bitch was callin’ in reinforcements. I'm not ashamed to say that we backed up those horses and flew like bats out of hell outta that place.

Field and Stream’s/Bushnells offer ends December 15th. My advice: grab Sarah Palin & get huntin’!

My Grandma Son

2008-09-12T21:00:00.001-07:00

Grandma Son stood just under five feet tall. Short but thick, she projected a powerful presence. Most days she wore a white apron over her jeans and sweater, accessorizing only with a Day-Glo colored fanny pack where she wadded hundreds of dollar bills. Perhaps her most striking feature was her eye makeup. Reminiscent of football players’ reflective black eye stripes, Grandma sported a thick black swath of eyeliner above each eye. Everyday Grandma got up at six in the morning to go to work at Hyahn, an Asian-fusion restaurant in the US heartland and owned by her son. I worked four nights a week at Hyahn, and quickly learned that though the menu had been adapted for America, Grandma and the power structure of the restaurant had not.

Soy Sauce

2008-09-12T20:58:00.001-07:00

Grandma ruled as a dictator despite the two managers and head chef. She had a comment and an instruction for every employee in the restaurant from how to chop the green onions to how to greet the customers. One of my prep jobs was to make new soy sauce. This task was laden with responsibility and stress. I was to take the plastic pitcher, fill it half way with concentrated soy sauce and top it off with fish stock. There was an elaborate procedure that followed my mixing where Grandma would seize the right-sized ladle, swish the concoction around and taste. If it was too strong she would yell “eww! tastes like medicine, I no likey.” The first month this ceremony was agonizing and my stomach would cramp as I waited for the official word on whether my soy sauce was worthy. Finally I remembered that in drawing class we measured proportions with our fingers. Once I started measuring proportions of soy sauce to fish stock, Grandma pronounced me the best soy sauce maker in the house. She would say “ You makey soo good” and flatter me into making more every time the pitcher was empty.

2008-09-12T20:57:00.001-07:00

Although autocratic, Grandma was also a very generous woman, especially when it came to food and family. During the time I worked there, my father was diagnosed with cancer. Upon learning this, she said how sorry she was and pressed me with several salmon heads, “for your daddy.” Grandma was a big fan of salmon head soup and advocated its nourishing qualities, especially for someone recovering from surgery. The two heads did prove very useful, but not as a meal. After the salmon sat in a deep freezer for several months, I took them to my studio and painted them. Now my apartment is decorated with a different sort of aesthetic, a fresh fish variety. For many months following this, Grandma would remember my dad and ask if he was doing better.

2008-09-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes horribly cruel, sometimes extremely sweet, Grandma’s personality ran the gamut. Some days though, she was just downright strange. Hyahn served a lot of sushi and went through vast quantities of wasabi, or Japanese horseradish. Grandma was mixing a large bowl in the back kitchen when I came through with some dirty dishes. She ordered me to get back and stay out because the wasabi fumes were so strong they would burn my eyes and make me cry. Distancing myself, I asked if her eyes weren’t irritated. Putting down the mixing bowl, she grabbed a clear plastic sack, yanked it over her head and tucked it into her collar around her neck! Standing before me like an astronaut with a plastic bubblehead, she resumed mixing the green paste. “Grandma-don’t!” I yelled, “You are going to suffocate!” Raising the bag like a helmet to sit on her forehead, she told me that every time she mixed wasabi, she had to seek protection under a plastic bag.

I quit work at Hyahn to move to Pittsburgh after working there for three summers and one school year. I was happy to be moving on to begin graduate school, but it felt very odd not to interact with a woman I had seen more than either of my ‘real’ Grandmas. Last week we spoke on the phone for the first time since I had left. “Hello Grandma!”
“Hello sweetheart! Don’t cry sweetheart”
“I won’t Grandma! But I’m coming to visit you at Thanksgiving!”