Rite Aid

Rite Aid has a brilliant layout. In fact the store's business plan must be marvelously brief and use only one word: sex. Next time you wander the aisles, take a moment and appreciate the subtle journey Rite Aid takes you on.

Upon entering the store, I instinctively go left, (maybe because I’m a ‘Maverick’). At my Rite Aid, this is the cosmetic aisle. These products are a lesson in seduction all their own. Cover-ups advertise a 'flawless complexion' by reducing a multitude of nasties. Zits, moles, hairy moles, wrinkles, skin spots and cancerous lesions instantly and effortlessly disappear. Continuing down the aisle, lipsticks in shades of red and pink so beautiful they move me to tears call out to me like a trashy novel-‘Rip me open and apply liberally’ they seem to shout. How could I not be tempted? These beauties obviously have transformative qualities. Vibrant reds, berry pinks and deep mahoganies guarantee deep, sensual, smeared, kisses. Applied liberally these items are enough to disguise, enhance and flatter the wearer on any night out...or in.

The next aisle over also prepares eager shoppers for sex, though in a more fundamental way. Shoppers can choose from row upon row of deodorants, toothpastes, perfumes, shavers, gels in all forms of spray, pump, or squeeze, depending on your fancy. They say, we'll whiten your teeth, sooth your bristles, tame your BO and reduce your zits, transforming you into a lovable morsel.

Both aisles ingeniously prepare the shopper for the end of the aisle. Never say Rite Aid does not seek to prepare its shoppers to be responsible adults. Featuring a wide variety of packaging, liquids, textures and sizes adult protection section features an intoxicating selection. Just in case you forget to purchase or use these wares, home pregnancy kits are helpfully located on a neighboring shelf. And just in case two lines appear after peeing, this aisle flows into the diaper, baby wipe and smooshed apple section. One would imagine that, in life, lipstick and training diaper are a world apart. Rite Aid knows better.

Of course Rite Aid supports those who are of a more cautious mindset as well. For example, my local Rite Aid furnishes its shoppers with ten different at home drug tests. Worried about Marijuana use? No problem. Concerned your potential lover might be into something a little heavier? Rite Aid has you covered. Amid its offerings are a selection of kits testing for Cocaine, Ecstasy, Methamphetamine, Opiates, Phencyclidine, Crack, and Heroin.
So please next time you enter your local Rite Aid and start swearing at the long lines, unbecoming fluorescent lighting and stale Muzak, stop and appreciate Rite Aid's greater service. Helping you get laid.